Emporium, Friday morning 10am, food floor, Oriental coffee/cake shop. I went in there for breakfast, all seating is on stools in the window and there were only 2 other customers in there and plenty of seating. Ordered my food, sat at the stool and read the paper. 10 mins later I head some raised voice behind me in a "complaining" sort of way, then this guy in shorts/shirt, 50ish, blonde/grey hair, glasses grabs another paper and slams it down next to me. He slams his phones down and mumbles. I was staring him by this point wondering why someone can be so damn unpleasant to staff and in front of people at that time in the morning, and if he looked at me I would have asked him why he was having such a bad day.

Anyway, out of the corner of my eye I noticed that he sharply and quickly pushed my bag further towards me when he had the space for 4 seatings. Soon after the waitress brought his food and again he did some Italianesque gesticulating and mumbling, which I couldn't hear. But I could hear him on the phone (again speaking fairly rudely in Thai then English). This was a businessman who had the manners of a chav.

I stayed for an hour and assumed this guy might have just lost a big contract/been cheated on/got locked out of his condo or something equally as bad. Oh no. As I went to pay he quickly summoned another waitress and again fairly loudly gesticulated towards my plates, but not quite loudly enough for me to hear from the counter. All waitresses looked uncomfortable with this guy and I was in two minds whether to go up to him to ask him why he was taking it out on people.

Then came the reason: he liked to sit in my spot every day. Yes, that's it. He was absolutely devasted and blatantly rude because he was a businessman regular and I was in his regular seat, so he was mad at the girls for not reserving it..and mad at me (or any other) that would be ONE seat further up than himself that day.

I had to laugh in both disbelief and suppessed anger at hearing this, at which point he STILL didn't turn around or make any eye contact. Maybe he was too important. The amazing this is, there is no way he would have acted like this at home...he would be hated wherever he went and probably banned. Unfortunately and embarrassingly for me, he was English.

All I know is that I WILL be there on or before 10am on Monday and Tuesday sitting in that very same seat again and will await his reaction with glee.

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Update: it happened again this morning as I expected! Got there 10am for their superb breakfast and coffee. A middle-aged ex pat couple were in the middle seats and so I sat in "his" place which was in the corner next to them.

Sure enough, just 2 minutes later I head a commotion behind and the women next to me turn around and then asked me why he was so upset. He made his feelings quite clear by loudly stating to all around him that "that place was reserved" before slamming down his paper and storming out before anyone could comment. The couple were amazed when I told them the story.

One hour later I was still there and sure enough he came back with his little gf/wife. As soon as he saw me he went mad again with the nearest waitress saying that he'd told her 4 times to keep that place reserved for him. The security guard came into vision. At this point I called him to come over and talk to me about it instead of the staff but he stormed off again.

I called the waitress over to apologise for HIS rudeness but said that I would be sitting wherever I wanted. She took it in good humour and said it nearly happens every day with this workaholic guy that likes his own way.

All I know is that I need to give this guy a piece of my mind. He acts like a bully towards the staff and tries to with customers. Therefore I intend to be there tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday etc.

If you want to see this guy's unbelievable reaction and tell him what a kwai he's being go to the 5th floor of Emporium into the restaurant area, look for Piri Piri Chicken and next to that is a glass fronted cafe called Oriental Hotel Shop. Go in there where the till is looking out the window and sit down there on the far left space right in the corner next to the coffee machine. I will most certainly be there at 10am, taking my time.

A repeat performance this morning again. He had called the manager beforehand to lay out his breakfast in "his" spot before he arrived. When I got there I chose to sit there and the staff were very amused to move his food.

5 mins later I heard him say "I give up with you!" loudly to the manageress before stomping off quickly.

10 mins later he telephoned the cafe from downstairs and asked the manageress to go down and speak to him! She came to warn me that she will be saying that she can prepare his breakfast but cannot prevent other customers sitting in that seat, and that Khun Carl chooses to sit there. She was worried that he may come up and argue with me...to which I asked her to tell him to come and see me.

10 mins later she came up without him and told me that he was going to complain to Oriental Hotel top brass that he was a 5-year regular and that he wanted that place reserved for him every morning and lunch (including weekends), so the manageress (very polite girl) was worried. I informed her that he can have his place if he arrives before me or if he comes and talks to me. She said he didn't wish to talk to me, but only to the staff and they should set the rules. I sense a coward.

I told the manageress to report this situation to her boss before he does, and that I will be on hand if they have any questions. In the meantime I will be there each morning in that place until he stops his bullying tactics against the staff and general mentalism. Next time I'll be going up to him, probably tomorrow morning.

No matter how long it takes he waits at another cafe downstairs and comes up get his place, which is most likely what he did when I left at 11am.

Yep, I shall be there tomorrow morning and will take a photo. I put the story on a big ex pat message board and it seems a lot of people are going to be playing him at his game to test his reaction. Immature maybe, but this guy is really rude.

This morning I got in at 10am and a few customers were milling around the food floor. As I came out of the lift he clocked me and nearly RAN to his spot. I did not participate but instead walked around and went to sit near to him 20 mins later. He was quiet as he got his spot, but not only that...he removed 3 stools from near him so no-one else could get near to "his" space.

There will be a few earlycomers over the next few weeks if I can't get there earlier myself. At the moment he just thinks he's competing with me :-)

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sukhumvit

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thailand

I am NOT fond of walking inside Sukhumvit 24 (for those of you who don't know, Sukhumvit 24 is the soi of my beloved Emporium). 

It's always sooo crowded, no matter what time it is (except maybe Songkran haha). It also gets flooded when it rains heavily. Worse, it's got no pavement~!! So when you're walking there, various kinds of vehicles will pass oh-sooooo-very-close to your skin you can actually feel the HEAT from them~!! (And no, the feeling is totally not the same as spa steam treatment~!!).

But anyway, y'all know that I hate hot weather (and I hate WALKING in hot weather even more), as mentioned HERE.

"So how would you enter Sukhumvit 24, then??" some of you might ask. The answer, my dearies, is MOTORCYCLE TAXIs.

These guys pictured above are a heaven-sent for Sukhumvit 24. Why waste time and money in a TAXI or car when you can cut down your "traveling time" to mere minutes~??

As mentioned in my "Local Transportation" photo album (check it out HERE), the motorcycle taxi drivers of Sukhumvit 24 are in a league of their own. They're true professionals who can swerve between vehicles in the blink of an eye. They’ve got their own smoooooth rotation system to make sure that passengers are quickly “matched up” with drivers. What's more, they don't overcharge (unlike the greedy chumps in the next soi - Sukhumvit 24/1, pictured right)~!! And they can bring you from the pak soi (mouth of the soi) to the end of the soi in about THREE MINUTES, I kid you not~!! (They've saved my super-late ass countless times~!!).

One look at my high-maintenance hair, and some of you might scoff, "YOU take motorcycle taxis~?! You with your dresses and high heels~?! Don't make me laugh~!!!!"

Aaaah~ but you underestimate the SSS~!! I've been living in Sukhumvit since childhood, therefore I can now proudly call myself a LOCAL (by the way, for those who also aspire to be a Sukhumvit LOCAL, click HERE to check out "I'm From Sukhumvit - How To Be a Local"). I now possess the elusive, special and rare Sukhumvit skills crucial for surviving on this road... and one of these vital skills is the ability to ride a motorcycle taxi gracefully while wearing a miniskirt/tight dress/high heels.

Here are the directions:

1). If you're right-handed (like me), carry your bag on your left shoulder. If you’re left-handed then go the other way.

2). Approach the motorcycle from its left side and sit sidesaddle (I once saw a farang woman with a short sundress trying to sit with each of her leg hanging on either side of the motorcycle~!! Truly a sight to behold~!! In the end, she actually grabbed the middle hem of her sundress and swung one leg over the motorcycle~!! The perplexed expressions on the motorcycle drivers' faces were just PRECIOUS~!!).

3). Place your right foot on the passenger footrest (pictured below) and let your left foot hang a few inches off the ground.

4). Bend your left leg so that you won’t scrape your shoe – or worse, foot – on the ground (one time, I almost lost my left sandal coz the motorcycle driver turned too close to the pavement and it hit my sandal – my sandal actually FLEW away and *almost* fell into a manhole~!! I had to tell the driver to stop and limp like Cinderella on the asphalt to retrieve the said sandal).

5). With your right hand, hold on to a small hand rail that usually exists either below or beside the motorcycle seat (pictured below). If the rail isn’t there, don’t panic – just hold on to the edge of the seat).

6). Keep your torso flexible and soft while the motorcycle is moving; this will ensure that you can keep your balance and won’t fall. Don’t try to fight the movement; just go with the flow~!!

7). More often than not, the motorcycle driver will take it upon himself to bring you from point A to point B using the fastest, shortest route possible (Buddha bless ‘em~!!), but this means he will swerve between moving vehicles and come within CENTIMETERS from throbbing sedans, pickup trucks and SUVs. Keep in mind that the driver will usually estimate the available space where the motorcycle can squeeze through using HIS OWN BODY SIZE, therefore you gotta make your body at least the same size as his, if not smaller (long-legged male farangs are the most vulnerable) *VERY IMPORTANT: keep your kneecaps tucked in and close to the motorcycle~!!

Once you master the above steps, you can build up your skills and try these WHILE SITTING AT THE BACK OF A MOVING MOTORCYCLE:

-         let go of the rail and use your right hand to hold your hair to keep your hairstyle intact

-         answer your cellphone and chat

-         rummage through your bag (which is hanging from your shoulder) to find your purse, and then open it and count your money to pay the driver

-         wear a tight miniskirt plus high-heeled sandals, sit sidesaddle and reapply your lipstick while holding a mirror

*********************************

On one particular busy afternoon in Sukhumvit 24, I was (again) on the back of a moving motorcycle… when I suddenly noticed that the driver was saying something under his breath.

At first I thought he was muttering to his cellphone (using one of those hands-free thingies), but his voice was getting louder and louder. I couldn’t decipher what he was saying at first, due to all the traffic noise around me.

Then he suddenly shouted (very loudly for all the world to hear), “Namman man pheng thammai mii rot yeu jang leeeeuuiii~~~!!!!” (roughly translated into, “Oil is so expensive, how come there are so many cars~~~!!!!”).

P.S. Did anyone notice that there’s absolutely no mention of HELMETS at all~??

sukhumvit

bangkok

thailand